Please, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Wow! More than half of 2020 has gone already! I set the intention this year and decade to strive forward with Joy and Serenity. Of course, in December when I was, like most of us, thinking how I could improve a new decade and find better ways of living my life with my little family, I could not imagine that such an intention would be such a challenge…
It has been awhile since I’ve written anything. I started writing over at Blogger on Google called “Chasing that Rainbow”, but didn’t get very far into it before my world once again, turned upside down, back to front and with one last final flourish did a spectacular double back flip with a twist, missed the landing and smashed into a thousand shards that scattered into unknown space-time continuums. Even “The Doctor” (for those Doctor Who fans) would have had an almost impossible task finding them all.
However, find them I did. I mean what else could I do? They weren’t exactly the same, because, of course, once you break something it never quite looks like it did. They now have a quiet glimmer and a brightness that wasn’t there before, or maybe it was always there but had got lost in the tarnish and scratches from previous battles.
Long story short, (I can be like little Miss Chatterbox at times!) shortly after uprooting our lives from England to Canada with a toddler Munchkin, there came another. A boy, a BOYsterous boy. It was, and still remains, a roller coaster of emotions and testing my strength to the absolute limit. I was brought to the brink several times, but I think the very defining moment was when I left the house at 8am and came back at 5pm to discover the door was wide open to all the world to see! It was a definite #facepalm, #mumfail moment if ever there was one. My guardian angel was looking over me and thankfully nothing was stollen or destroyed (I pay her well)! After that, it didn’t really get any better, my husband’s mother died quite suddenly, as we were due to fly to Portugal for a well earned rest and to attend a wedding of close family friends, and then he decided he was leaving just after our Son’s first birthday, which given the circumstances didn’t surprise me, now that I have had time to reflect on it… You can imagine how such events would send our world spiralling. I think the Munchkin and I cried for about week or maybe two.
Fast forward years later, this is what I have learned…
A support network of professional help is best, and foremost. You don’t HAVE to fight your battles on your own. Loyal friend and family support is invaluable too. Looking back at the stress of my last pregnancy and postnatal symptoms, I should have sort help much sooner than I did. Hindsight is 2020 (HA! HA! This must be the year for it then!) and there are times you have to hit rock bottom before you can go up again. There is no shame in getting help. In fact there is so much out there, especially now, I was amazed at the amount of support I had at my finger tips. I saw a therapist (I had started this ball rolling after the door incident as I felt surely I had lost ALL of my marbles), he helped me gain my self-confidence and regain my self-compassion. I did Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), where I met some really nice people, going through their own problems and ones similar to mine. This has helped me focus on my stress and anxiety and how to stop spiralling down into a pit of doom. At the time, rather fortuitously the Munchkin had started school and was on a special program to improve her speech, so we had an amazing Family Support Worker that helped us through the divorce and guided us along a strong, positive path and helped the journey to be less bumpy. The point is, whatever you might need, the help is there and these days I don’t even think you need to leave the house! Although I recommend you do for your own sanity, just make sure you are safe about it and follow all the guidelines set out. Wear your masks and wash your hands peeps!
A good lawyer is worth the money. I don’t actually think that anybody should ever get divorced, especially if there is a family involved. However, not all relationships work out, in fact if they do then that’s fabulous and Kudos to you. I still think my ex-husband and I could have worked it out, after we had climbed out of our respective pits of despair. If you do though find yourself staring down that particular barrel, then seeking good legal help early on will be beneficial, even if it is just to know your rights. The courts of Alberta have put together a Separation and Divorce Course too which is very handy and helps you get a better understanding of how to deal compassionately with the situation while splitting up a family. At the very beginning I set another intention, not to a be nasty and bitter divorcee, which has paid off. I also chose a Collaborative Family Law lawyer, which was gentler and she kept it from escalating, this also has the added financial benefit as you don’t want to go to court or have a messy custody battle. My ex-husband and I now have a mutual understanding of respect and honesty, which I was hoping for in our marriage… but hey ho… c’est la vie.
Seek Joy and Serenity. Keep calm and carry on. During the Second World War, the British Government made some posters, which everyone will be very familiar with, that said “Keep Calm and Carry On”. They were found years later in an attic as they were never used, because fortunately the Allies won the war and life went on. I’ve always loved that poster, especially the adaptation “Keep calm and Drink Tea”, it is so quintessentially British. It is also a good adage to live by, and that last war also proves that we are quite a resilient race, so whatever your situation maybe, I believe there is always room for peaceful contemplation and meditation. The current pandemic has actually had its benefits in slowing our family down and bringing us closer together. We don’t have very many places to go, as of course all summer plans were cancelled, so we have found joy in each others company. We have been practicing mindfulness to help calm our thoughts and emotions. We are becoming more aware of how bodies are feeling and why that might be. We are also finding ways to express our emotions, through art, science, nature, and physical activity. It has been a pleasure to indulge in these forgotten experiences. Movie or game nights every Friday or Saturday have also been a recurring theme here, it started as a reward for working hard on homeschooling during the lock down, but continued through as we loved the companionship and snuggles it brought (I think the extra snacks and being able to stay up later might also be a factor with the Muchkins!). We will continue it through the school year too, I believe, as that’s going to be another challenge and sometimes rewards make everything sweeter! Especially if we get to snuggle more after a busy week!
I hope you are able to find some Joy and Serenity in your life too during this unprecedented time. I think it will definitely teach us all something, what that is will depend on you, but finding your rainbow, like we are finding ours, will be the key I believe.
Stay safe, healthy and joyful!
Best, Ax