Reflections: Engaging in your Authenticity Part 2 – “Persistence not Perfection”

Well, February, the moth of love and Pink Shirt day, where we celebrate kindness and respect. January stole past quite uneventfully, which I’m happy and grateful with. Thank you, January. I’ll take it. 

It’s been a very cold month with lows of -40’s, here in St Albert, Alberta, but the days are getting longer and the sun has been shining. Spring is on its way, the cold brings the warm with it…. Eventually…. 

“The game is afoot”

Sherlock Holmes

This month I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my past self, my achievements, my challenges and how my choices have helped shape my future, for better or well… always for the better. Even if at the time I thought it was the worst thing that could have happened and looked sky high to ask “why me?” It has lead me to ask The Big Question: “How do I want to be?” 

I recently did a Webinar on Inspired Mindset put forward by Dr. Beth Pedersen and Dr. Debrah Wirtzfeld, in which they said “confidence is a skill we have to practice, it is not innate”. I will be honest, this was very illuminating to me. In my previous post I wrote about how I had started my adult life with more bravery and confidence, than I gave myself credit for. Back then I can remember thinking that I had nothing to loose anyway. However, over the years, I think I lost the way, my confidence left me slowly (along with my self-worth) and I didn’t really know where I was going. I think it was about the time when I realised my teaching career was not going the way I thought it would go and I wasn’t equipped enough with the tools to deal with the void it left behind. I went back home to my parents’ place. It was good to be there, but I needed a direction. I built a 12th scale miniature dolls house drafted from an old 1970’s magazine I had found lying around. It felt good to create again and had fun with all the details (like walnut flooring and a tiled kitchen floor!). My mum even joined in and painted a Japanese bamboo scene over the archway. I decided I would go back to England and lodge with my aunt and uncle in Hertfordshire with the view to do another nannying post, save some money and figure out what direction I wanted to go in. The nannying post didn’t go according to plan though and I was left feeling overwhelmed and bereft. My aunt and uncle were very supportive and agreed to let me I extend my stay with them. They got me a part time job with their watchmaker friend and I learned the art of Horology for a year and I went to Art College in the neighbouring town the other half of the day. Both experiences were insightful and both were interests I held, even though I still had no clue where it was taking me. I rode the tide.

When I was 25, I met my ex-husband at the construction company we both worked for. I was still figuring it out. Still going to the Art College. Still wondering where I was going. He asked me to dinner one day and I accepted, at least I would get a free dinner, right? The local pub became our “Tuesday night hook up” as it was a Tuesday when we first met. We went to see “Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith” together and decided then that maybe we could figure ourselves out together. However, thinking back that was a very overly dramatic film to connect on! Hmmm… like Padme and Anikin, I think we do better apart now, much better than Anikin anyway! Hehehe! And I’m glad to still be alive to fight for my cause! For an overly passionate romance and perhaps an overly dramatic story line it was, in my opinion, self destructive on both parts and doomed to failure. Looking back, our relationship needed the break and needed a “re-write”. I wanted it to work. I don’t like giving up, but for our future happiness we needed to close that door. I’m not saying, it didn’t hurt… alot… deeply… in a I-will-neer-love-or-trust-anyone-again kinda way, and I’m not saying that anyone should be shielded from this experience, just that it was good to come to some sort agreement and arrangement at long last. Draw a line in the sand and stick to it. In the end, I discovered we had at least two things in common: self preservation and resilience, and a passion to still want our Munchkins to be well educated, well spoken and live their lives confidently and independently as possible. To try and put forward their “best” selves whatever the circumstance. I will also add to the list: “to learn to be mindful and love who they are everyday, as they are beautiful souls and I would like them to shine.” I would like this for myself too and for everyone else in my life as well. Even those people who have shown me a hard time, or shall I say especially those people who have given me a hard time! 

“Curiouser and Curiouser”

Alice in Wonderland, CS Lewis 

For those who know me, they would probably agree I am a bit of a dreamer, a romantic idealist in a way. My brother was MC at our wedding and his toast, hilarious as it was, did also touch on my love of comfort, like in the story the “Princess and The Pea”. He also noted that I could very well play role of a “True Princess”! I also have a bit of optimistic realism as well, which I guess is what has got me through the hard times. “It’s all good” being my motto these last few years. I have to admit too, that there is a bit of the crazy in there too – like the Mad Hatter at his tea party – probably my most favourite part of the whole story! In the end I believe after all has been said and done, this journey so far, this tide, the ebb and flow of life, has given me a self resilience so ingrained that is almost as innate as our basic survival response. When I start to feel frazzled and probably start to look like “The Frazzled Thing” from Sandra Boynton’s wonderful creations, my instinct is to control, micro manage and fix it. I am empathic and I don’t like to see others struggle, just like I don’t want to struggle. I tend to overthink and over analyse most situations. These traits have taught me to remind myself to let the love in, it’s ok to soften, it’s ok to slow down, it’s even ok to stop for a moment and that moment might last a month or maybe even two. Even if I might end up feeling like Pooh Bear and Piglet, tracking my own tracks and thinking there are Woozles… or is it Wizzles chasing me. “It’s all good”. I can “let it go” and “let it be”. (Sorry if either of those songs are now in you head!)

For my munchkins and those around me, I am learning when to pull back and let them make their mistakes (obviously not dangerous ones!). I can use my super analyzing skills to show that I may not be needed to fix this particular problem. When I was growing up I had the privilege to see baby leather back turtles being laid and later on hatching from their nest. Those huge turtles were so cumbersome on land, and yet with hard work and effort they kept going to lay their eggs on the beach. Then when the eggs hatched those tiny baby turtles, no bigger than your hand, had to make their way back to the ocean, whilst avoiding the eye of hungry predators. Even if they made it to the surf, there were still a litany of challenges to face before they grew to be the size of their parents. I so wanted to give them a break and help them to the sea, but we were forbade to do so as it was an important journey for the baby turtles to do. So we chased the predators away instead giving them safe passage to the sea. Life is a bit like that in a way, we have our support networks and our ports that we go to when it gets stormy. The rest of the time the waves and the tide push us back and forth relentlessly and exhaustingly. 

I also feel a bit like I’m either battling “The Borg” from Star Trek, or I am “The Borg” and the phrase “resistance is useless, you will be assimilated” echos in my head. It is good to remember the Prime Directive at these points: observe and try not to interfere too much. Star Fleet had their own troubles on this point too, which only goes to prove that isn’t at all easy to be the captain of a ship and keep everyone on course. Even the Captain can be distracted and needs to be redirected! …. On a side note… my favourite Star Trek Captain was Jean Luc Picard, he was also a lover of Earl Grey tea, hot! Captain Katherine Janeway is a very close second – her determination, resilience and kind diplomatic skills inspire me. Who is yours?

On that note, I will keep going forward, keeping making rainbows, keep riding the tide and sometimes letting the waves wash over me, like they used to do as a child on those most cherished vacations to Tobago. I will continue to take chances and accept change as it comes with an open heart. I will also continue to create joy, serenity and delight with “stubborn gladness” as Elizabeth Gilbert writes in her book Big Magic. I accept it won’t be easy or even pleasant at times, but I will continue to trust in my confidence that I can do it. I will be guided by the Law of Confidence and Live my Absolute Worth. I have done it before and I can most certainly do it again, with even more grace, love and gratitude than I had, perhaps. 

This month we have also revisited some old favourites, read some new ones and did few more journeys with the MyLife app.

Happy Hippo and Angry Duck by Sandra Boynton (featuring The Frazzled Thing)

The Three Questions: (Based on a story by Leo Tolstoy) by Jon J Muth

I am love: a book of compassion and I am human; a book of empathy by Susan Verde

Awesome is everywhere by Neil Pasricha

Big magic by Elizabeth Gilbert

Journeys on the MyLife app:  Relationships, Self Love and Mindful parent and mindful child

I’m also rewatching Star Trek: Voyager, so I don’t end up like The Borg, but rather like 7 of 9 rediscovering my individuality! Its quite amazing how for an old show, it is still quite relevant. 

Five for Fighting’s song Superman (it’s not easy) has had a lot of air time at home and in the car too. 

Lastly, the new Netflix series Bridgerton is a powerful show about relationships and love, big and small. Although, it is one for the older members of a family. I paraphrase one part that has stuck with me: just because something is not perfect does not mean it is not worthy of love. Kinda sums it up for me…

As always,

Keep safe, healthy and joyful.

Best,

Ax