Connections and Relationships: Engaging in your Authenticity Part 1

“If you are under the impression you have already perfected yourself, you will never rise to the heights you are no doubt capable of.” 

― Kazuo Ishiguro, The Remains of the Day

January: usually the mouth of “yuck”. I’m not a fan of the dark and the cold. Although, it has been unseasonably warm which is at least something. This month of darkness, seems to me so long and tiring and gloomy. My ex-husband and I were married in January… I think we thought we could make it a more joyful month with something to celebrate at the end. Now I don’t expect anything from it and accept that it will probably have nothing to offer us, but it if it does then it will be a pleasant surprise! So come on January there still time for you to delight us!

I have written or journaled (I think I like journaled – reminds me of journey…. I wonder where the word came from? It is a funny one). This is what the Online Etymology Dictionary has to say, incase you were at all curious, like me, and didn’t other wise know. I also just learned what Etymology is! I love language…

Anyway…. as I was saying I’ve been journalling about my fears, anxieties and my journey toward being more aware of them and learning to live with them. I realised after so many years doing battle with them, and most of the time feeling like it being a loosing battle, the answer, of course, was always there, but I couldn’t see it, like a complicated math problem (or even a relatively easy one – I’ve also have Math Anxiety). Before I had the Muchkins and even before I was married or even romantically involved I was Just Ailis out in the Wonderful World! (Oh yes! I AM a fan of Alice In Wonderland! Of course!). Here is my own Origin Story as all the best SuperMums have them! Hehehe…

I was born and raised on the tiny island of Trinidad in the West Indies into a big family of Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents and Cousins. My father came from a family of five. My Mother had two sisters, who lived in England and we would see from time to time. Along with my cousin from my father’s youngest brother, we were the youngest of the group, my sister and brother being much older than me. We have a rich family heritage of French, English, Welsh and Irish dating back many, many centuries on both sides. My Paternal Grandmother grew up in Patagonia on one of the sheep ranches. She had some amazing stories to tell. Like the one about the merchant coming through only once a year! They had to make everything else in order to survive. Whenever we went to stay with her, she had this uncanny ability of providing hot chocolate at the correct temperature for the you woke up! My other Grandmother, born in England, lived in Liverpool during the Blitz and was also good at recounting those days. Like collecting fresh eggs from charitable neighbours so her daughter (my Mother’s oldest sister) could have one a day, instead of one a week. Both my Grandmothers were very gentle, kind and creative ladies, which paved the way for my parents attitudes towards life. We’ve always been independent, creative thinkers. I didn’t know my either of my Grandfathers well in person sadly. One was a Quaker and worked as an Engineer on the merchant ships taking supplies to armed troops and the other was a Geologist scouting for oil in Southern Trinidad. 

Every summer, (well that period between June and August – as a child I didn’t quite understand the seasonal changes, having never experienced them) we would go to the sister island of Tobago. My parents would rent a cottage and all the cousins would join us. We would take the ferry (very early in the morning or very late at night) across with a station wagon filled to the brim of everything we would need for a 2 week break. I remember it being so idilic. We would snorkel in the sea and play in the forest of almond trees on the grounds – there was treehouse in one of them that my cousin and I were always very excited to use once my brother and big cousins weren’t! We would build forts and castles from the sand, mud, rocks, sticks, blankets, towels or anything else we could find! I can remember a time we played in a river of questionable source and when we came home for dinner, my mother made us have a bath in Detol! Actually, Detol, was a big part of our holiday and our relationship with it was one of dread, but despite that we still managed to get cut and then infection would set in. Septicaemia was a big issue in a very warm climate and an outdoor lifestyle. My father would jokingly threaten to amputate the infected limb to hasten our compliance, while my mother patiently (or not so, as we screamed and writhed!) dealt with the wound. I can remember doing this until I was about ten. After that we did other holidays, but none as big or really as memorable. My sister and brother were off on their own adventures and their own path by then. When I was nine, my parents moved out of the city to a more rural part of the island. Where there was more space and a workshop for them to develop their pottery business. It was an ideal place to grow up and I spent a lot of time outdoors, climbing the many trees. Although, as a teen I felt a bit isolated and spent it, pretty much alone and moody. 

I was quiet, did my High Schooling at the Canadian school set up by the Canadian Embassy. I didn’t make a lot of friends there. Looking back I probably could have made some friends. It wasn’t that they were all that mean, more that I was shy, distant and afraid to get to know them, or even accept them for themselves. This would have made it difficult for anyone to get to know me and to label me as a “different”. I also didn’t really enjoy doing all the things that teens were supposed to like in the 90s. My teachers said, “Ailis marches to the beat of her own drum!” Back then I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. Also being an Expat school, teachers and students came and went, the only ones that stayed right through were the local students, whom I had no desire to befriend. I did try to go to clubs, then my classmates would spot me and pretend I was the long lost friend they had been waiting for. I continued doing this, because, well that’s what I thought I should do, but never really engaged in it. I graduated from High School and went to England to live with my Grandmother, as I had enrolled in the Bournemouth International Montessori College, as that’s what everyone said I should do. It was an interesting and informative year. I enjoyed it a lot. I also loved living with my Grandmother, although I know she had her reservations and we had a few spats, I think we lived pretty much in harmony. My love of Agatha Christie and other murder mysteries came from watching them with her on TV every night. It was from there that my life really did take flight! 

“I’ve heard tell that what you imagine sometimes comes true.”

– Roald Dahl, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

After getting my diploma from the College, I went back home to my parents, but I had stretched my wings and had had new experiences. An old plantation house in the centre of the island was not going to bring me much satisfaction! But I had no idea, where to begin. Then, out of thin air there came a chance, an opportunity, it was one of those moments where if you only dither for a second, it flies away to rest on some other shoulder, in fact it didn’t even really stop. It dipped like a butterfly on a flower and kept going. My Parents, had a friend who was working as a location scout for a Merchant and Ivory film of The Mystic Masseur, don’t worry if you have never heard of it, Ismail Merchant wanted to produce a film from one of the local authors V.S. Naipaul. This friend was also looking for extras in a scene. He asked my parents if they were interested, but they weren’t. Without really even thinking it through I said I wanted to go… next thing I knew I was on a set talking to James Ivory about the weather! No, I didn’t get a part in a movie, I’m not some hidden actress, I got a connection much greater than that, that has shaped my entire future and has landed me squarely and exactly where I am today. Sitting at this desk. Writing this entry. In Northern Alberta, Canada…

“You should never, never doubt something that no one is sure of.” 

― Roald Dahl, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

A friend of Ismail Merchant was also visiting from England with his wife. I got talking casually to her and somehow the conversation came round to me saying I was looking to do child care and I had this diploma, and her saying I should come and work as her nanny! A couple of months later, I was living in Notting Hill (Yes! Just like the Movie! With the exception of Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant!). Actually, I first arrived at his Sister’s Manor House in Oxfordshire, which almost looked like “Darlington Hall” from the Merchant and Ivory movie, The Remains of the Day, adapted from the book by Kazuo Ishiguro. I was spellbound! I spent a wonderful, hard working year and a half looking after their munchkins and it was an awesome experience for a young 20 year old to have. I had got my golden ticket and taken flight… there was no stopping me. The City of London was my playground and an incredible playground it was too! Especially for a History buff like me, who had spent a lot of her childhood reading about Knights and Castles! 

After that whirlwind time, I struck out solo on this road trip and as, I’ve noted before in previous posts, had to let go and move on and each time I did, something new and to my benefit seem to come along. New relationships were formed and then broken, but the connection between them all drove me forward. I learned new skills as went. And looking over it, I wouldn’t change it for anything. My own epic Merchant and Ivory film! I do often wonder what my journey would have looked like if I had chosen a different path, if I hadn’t gone to that set, or even if my parents hadn’t had the contact, or if I hadn’t had the bravery (or audacity) to talk to a complete stranger about my dreams, but I think the Butler, Mr. Stevens, in The Remains of the Day has put it very nicely. 

“What is the point of worrying oneself too much about what one could or could not have done to control the course one’s life took? Surely it is enough that the likes of you and I at least try to make our small contribution count for something true and worthy. And if some of us are prepared to sacrifice much in life in order to pursue such aspirations, surely that in itself, whatever the outcome, cause for pride and contentment.” 

― Kazuo Ishiguro, The Remains of the Day

I’ve only ever seen the movie of The Remains of the Day, brilliantly done, of course. Anthony Hopkins plays the part of the loyal butler to, dare I say it, perfection. However, after researching the quotes, I think I’ll put the book on my reading list as well. 

I’ve seen both versions of Charlie and the Chocolate factory (the first one with Gene Wilder, being my preference) and read the book, many times! Which is your favourite? 

In the next part of this post I will talk about how all these connections have helped me build relationships, the traditions and skills I have developed because of them. 

Until then,

Stay safe, healthy and joyful!

Ax