“When the roof shuts out the sky, we must be the light!”
Sarah Hatoff (Dogman Series by Dav Pilkey)
As I sat on the sofa yesterday listening to my son have a tantrum because in his mind he never gets what he wants and nobody ever listens to his ideas. It was enough to make any parent feel worthless and cause you to fly into the room in self defence with a rant heavier and longer than the entirety of his little body! Instead, I sat on the sofa, breathing slowly and deeply, breathing out the frustration and irritation. In the midst of it I heard a crash of something plastic being thrown with some degree of force and hit the floor. Moments later, the sobs grew louder as he raced in with his now broken soldier helmet. “I broke my helmet, Mum, can you fix it?” He uttered between sobs. “I think you’ve snapped the plastic.” I said, as calmly as I could muster. This queues more tears and anger. I pull him onto my lap and hold him for awhile, not saying anything. When he calms down I explain the consequence of his action and what his anger has done. I show him that even though a piece has been broken off, it is still useable, but it will not be the same as before. It can serve as a reminder of what happens when don’t take care of your actions. That was pretty much the theme for the whole day – in fact for the last couple of weeks.
In the evening I took them to stay with their dad. On the way back I was stopped by a freight train carrying lots of building materials on flat beds, hoppers and box cars full of who-knows-what. My son loves watching them and guessing what is inside the carriages (Milk and Cookies and a bank of Chocolate Goo, for those Old School sesame street fans!). There I sat, listening to my music, tapping on the steering wheel and singing along to a, quite timely Coldplay: Us Against the World, and began to think about my day / week. It hadn’t been bad or as awful as you would have thought. It was busy as always, exciting as we continued to get prepared for the holidays and emotionally exhausting as we continued to practice our self control and keep our emotions in check. I wondered why this time of year does that? The time when really we should be feeling happiest and most joyful as we celebrate togetherness. Why do get so stressed out? For my munchkins it is overly exciting because they get many things at the end of it and their list is longer than the Earth is wide and getting longer each day! I tell them that Santa only has enough room on his sleigh for ONE SMALL gift and a stocking. I also go by the rule of thumb: something you need, something you want, something to read, something cozy and something to do as a family. However, I get caught up in the excitement too and have to reign myself in as I love giving gifts and love seeing their happy faces on Christmas morning.
“Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before! What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!”
― Dr. Seuss, How the Grinch Stole Christmas!
This year is obviously going to be tough for many of you, as we face an entirely new Christmas celebration. We all want of course to be with our families, we want the latest whatever-it-is and want to give the latest-whatever-it-is. For me I have experienced many different types of Christmases. I grew up in the West Indies, where Christmas is not white, but Green and colourful, and where you celebrated with everyone! I think one year my parents had about 40 people to Christmas dinner! It was immense. When I moved to England, I would go back for a few of them, then I started having Christmas celebrations with my then Husband’s family, who numbered five in total (including me). A steep decrease from what I was used to, after a while we moved to Canada and the number of people at our table numbered three. We now share Christmases with the munchkins’s dad and there have been years I’ve sat on my own. Although, I wasn’t actually on my own because by the miracle of modern technology all my family were just a video chat away! Last Christmas my very dear and close friends had me over for dinner so I was not sat on my own. You might think that sounds very sad and that I’m wrapped up in self pity, but actually to the contrary, it was lovely. I ate exactly what I wanted and watched the movies I wanted and was not up until he early hours of Christmas Morning stressing about wrapping gifts (I wrapped them on Christmas Day while watching that movie!). The munchkins came back and we had a lovely Boxing Day, where I still got to enjoy them opening their gifts and their happy faces! The point is that, any celebration is really what you make it. Your attitude and mindset is largely how will eventually cope with how you feel come the day.
While waiting for that train to pass, all these thoughts went through my head, of all the wants and the tantrum of earlier. My munchkins are learning about wants and needs at school and doing kindness missions (socially distancing of course!). What my son wanted and what he needed were two separate items. He wanted me to play all day his way, his game, his idea, He needed to unstick from his rigid thought process and accept that it wasn’t going to go his way, all day, everyday. A big concept for a little brain, I know, especially one that’s overwhelmed and under rapid fire of negative thoughts. I could see he was spiralling down and playing his game, his way, his idea, would end in frustration for both of us. So instead I suggested we did some yoga to calm our bodies and our minds – queue tantrum (plus broken helmet) and my being left sat alone on the sofa practicing my own self control. My munchkins are hard work at times (I’m sure that’s a sentiment for all parents!), but they give me the gift of exactly what I need! I’ll be completely honest here too (since this is my fifth post – like a fifth date!), I never really wanted kids of my own. I had a completely different vision of my future self, but the Universe is wiser than that and gave me exactly what I needed. When I got married, something which I hadn’t gone after either, I had a different vision of my future life too, but being divorced and raising two high-energy kids is what I eventually got and what I needed most of all.
“Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful” I’m still learning everyday and continue to practice those skills as is the lifelong lesson. The old habits of stressing over a task because it isn’t perfect, do raise their voices in my head from time to time. My friend gave me the above quote to put up and I keep it as point of focus to remember that my life is wonderful. Just the way it is (like Bridget Jones). I let it go, let it be for the beauty it is, for the potential it has. I sometimes make the situation bigger than it needs to be because I want it to be perfect, but I really need to stop and see it for what it really is. This goes beyond our possessions, beyond ourselves. Perhaps, rather controversially I know, we needed a pandemic, nobody wanted it of course (and I don’t really want to see another one!). Our wants have grown bigger and we have forgotten what we really need. What we need is very simple; to be safe, to be healthy (in body and mind) and joyful (with ourselves and others). When you take a look of our progression in the last hundred years or so, it’s no wonder we are where we are today. And quite positively, we will continue to progress, perhaps at a slower, safer, more mindful rate. At least I hope so, I would like to see my friends in person, inside a coffee shop or at their houses again and I’m sure you would too! I would like to visit my family and go on holiday. We are a social race and do need that interaction and playdates are a parent’s heaven! Let’s call it the 2020 Covid-19 Benefit (I’m sure someone has coined that already!) and move forward. As Doc Brown, from the Back to the Future Movies, says “Your future is what you make it, so make it good one!”
And so, to help you on your way today:
If you are a subscriber of Apple TV+, they have just released an amazing animation of Jon J Muth’s Zen Short stories featuring Stillwater. The show is called, of course, “Stillwater”. The books with his beautiful watercolour illustrations are well worth the time to read too if you can’t watch the show. We have both. My munchkins like the show, as it’s a more attainable platform for them, but I read the stories too.
The My Life app, which I have mentioned in previous posts, have just released many great journeys to do with mindful parenting, gratitude and gaining resilience through movement, among others. Good for calming the the body and the mind and helping to think differently.
There are also many different virtual experiences as well coming up that might help pass the time for those who get tired of looking at their walls (I know I do). I’ve signed up my munchkins for one of the Virtual Winter Camps at the Telus World of Science Centre here which will occupy them for three days in the afternoon.
Lastly, of course, Dr Seuss’s timeless classic “The Grinch who Stole Christmas” which comes out every year!
We can still enjoy our holiday and be grateful for all that we have. We will be in our cozy pjs eating lots of comfort food and probably building Lego, watching movies and playing games!
Stay safe, healthy and joyful,
Best,
Ax